My Life with Fibromyalgia

I woke up one morning and my leg didn’t work. I stood up then fell over.

I was 14 years old and I couldn’t stand up by myself. My leg didn’t hurt. It just wouldn’t bear my weight. I was living with my father at the time and had to call my mother to come and collect me. We spent the morning at the hospital . In between the x-rays and blood tests, I got to have a conversation with an utterly bemused police officer who was trying to interview some teenagers who had been in a car accident. Trying to convince him he was in the wrong room helped pass the time at least.

In the end, I was told I had had the flu and that the virus had attacked the liquid in my hip socket resulting in the bones grinding against each other causing permanent damage. I don’t remember having the flu, just a runny nose, however the blood tests showed influenza so influenza it was. I only stayed on crutches a few days. I should have stayed on them for a few months to let my hip heal, but when you’re the class victim of bullying an imaginary disease doesn’t exactly improve your street cred.

Whether or not this is when I developed fibromyalgia is open to debate. Some medical professionals say yes and others say no emphatically, my favourite doctor takes a “who the fuck knows” approach to it. I did remain asymptomatic for about a decade after. When I got sick, my body took longer than others to heal  – a frequent indicator of fibromyalgia – something that did not make me popular with teachers. And, Mr Stewart, I do still remember you insinuating I was faking illness to the rest of the kids in the class. That really helped with the bullying issue.

I was relatively healthy though. I had my first daughter when I was 19 and managed to get honours in two undergraduate degrees and a masters degree as a single parent. It wasn’t until I moved to Edinburgh to do a PhD that the symptoms  got worse. My right leg collapsed again and I struggled to walk. I was sent to a neurologist and an arthritis specialist. For over a year, I was treated as though I had arthritis and used crutches or a cane to walk. This is the exact opposite of the treatment recommended for fibromyalgia. I gained weight because I couldn’t walk. I failed my PhD because I couldn’t work: I was exhausted all the time and I started losing words.

Then I got pregnant. Pregnancy and fibromyalgia are not the best of buddies. My asthma resulted in hospitalisation. I had constant nausea and migraines. These culminated in post-natal depression which went undiagnosed for years. My baby was not a sleeper making the exhaustion and depression a whirlwind of hideousness. I was so sick for so many years that I have lost huge chunks of time.

On the positive side, I haven’t had real trouble with my right hip for years. I can predict the weather depending on how stiff it is but I can walk. My body has compensated in other areas: migraines at the base of my neck, excruciating pain in my left shoulder, pain in my right arm and elbow, migraines in my right eye. I also have fibro fog, aphasia, anxiety, depression, inability to control my body temperature, and sleep deprivation. Fibro fog effects my short-term memory, my language skills (hence the typos), and ability to communicate. I have huge pauses in my sentences and sometimes I forget what I was actually trying to say.

These are the medications I’m on for good days:

  • multivitamin
  • Vitamin D
  • B12
  • B6
  • iron fortified water supplement
  • amitriptyline
  • citalopram
  • paracetemol
  • soluble aspirin
  • temazepam

On the bad days nothing works.

I’ve had fibromyalgia since I was 14 years old. I lived most of my life with a disease that no one understands the causes of or how to treat it successfully – never mind cure it. I live everyday with exhaustion, anxiety, depression, and extreme physical pain.

And, I’m one of the luckier women diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Most women have it much worse than I do.

This is my lovely friend Cath’s experience of fibro. I also wrote about feminist mothering whilst living with fibromyalgia.

#DickheadDetox: Matthew Sanders for being a selfish tosser

This as swipe, having had a massive temper tantrum at being caught illegally parking in a parking space for people with disabilities has chosen to spend the whole day wasting the time of police officers, traffic wardens and blocking a parking space. This is so quintessentially entitled male behaviour that it’s almost impossible to believe it’s true. But, no, Matthew Sanders, currently of Birmingham but hopefully soon a guest of His Majesty, is genuinely having a huge tantrum because he got caught illegally parked:

A driver who parked in a disabled bay is in a stand-off with Birmingham City Council – after jumping back into his car to stop it being towed away.

Double glazing salesman Matthew Sanders, 34, is still inside his Vauxhall Tigra, which is now on the back of a low loader in Birmingham city centre.

The drama began when he was given a ticket for parking in a disabled bay.He said he was then angered when wardens tried to tow the car, which he said was not causing an obstruction.

I’ll be here all day. They have targets. This is private corporations ripping people off at Christmas.This is my only form of transport and need it for work and I’ve got to pick my daughter up from her mum’s.The council is short of cash and is trying to load my car up to cost me more money.I can’t afford to get it released so if they try to get me out I’ll just write it off.

– MATTHEW SANDERS

See, he’s got reasons for  being an asshole: like having a job and a kid. Weirdly, lot of other people have jobs and kids and don’t behave like gigantic fucking tosspots. And, ruin everyone else’s day with public displays of arrogance, narcissism and general fucking stupid.

I live in hope this dude with be billed for all the wasted hours of the traffic wardens, police, tow truck driver and everyone else caught up in his whinge-fest.

The Heat: Good Female Buddy Film; Shame about the Disablism

The_Heat_poster

 

I really, really wanted to love The Heat: a female cop buddy film starring two great actresses. And, it was really funny in places. The relationship between the two women was lovely but it was too dependent on stereotyped constructions of “good” and “bad” women. It was also full of fat jokes, comments about frigid dry cunts and liberal use of the fucktard.

Because it’s apparently completely impossible to make a film with a woman who does not meet Hollywood’s standards of acceptable without constant references to her weight and oh-so-hilarious clips of her getting stuck in cars.

And, really, fucktard? Do we really have to have disablist words to mark out a character as “low class”. Because that’s what Melissa McCarthy’s character represents: a fat, lazy, stupid, low class women. And, Bullock: a frigid bitch with a dried up cunt.

This is Hollywood’s version of a feel good buddy film: cliched stereotypes, misogyny and disablism.

Amazon’s Halloween with Side Order of Disablism

Mens Adult Psycho Ward Mental Patient Halloween Fancy Dress Costume Outfit + Mask
Amazon has joined Asda in the annual competition for : The Most Offensive Halloween Costume.

There is no excuse for selling these types of costumes. Asda’s apology and donation to a mental health charity is more than Amazon will ever do but it’s also too late once these products have hit the market. 

People with mental health problems are statistically more likely to be a victim of violence than commit violence.

The group who commit the most violence: men. Men who have no history of mental health problems.

If the idea of “killers” is such a great Halloween costume, then we should all go out wearing masks of random men. That would be far more accurate. Instead, people genuinely think it’s hilariously funny to dress up as a “psycho” or a “mental patient”.

Honestly, if you think this shit is funny, you’re an asshole. It really is that simple.