The Metro is renown for its inability to accurately report on male violence against women and girls. Personally, I’m a huge fan of the article which suggests that Dr. Melvin Morse was justified in waterboarding his step-daughter because he researched near-death experiences in children. That was truly an awe-inspiring piece of journalism. Granted, I’m still slightly perturbed about the fact that their staff can’t tell the difference between bad sex and rape, but that’s only to be expected in a newspaper that thinks sexual violence is entertainment.
Today’s evidence of The Metro’s Misogyny is 10 reasons why single mums are great in bed.
First off we have the: unrealistic, patronising and downright freaking dangerous assumptions about single mothers:
There are plenty of things single mums have mastered the art of – multi-tasking, compromise and patience to name a few.
But it’s not just the ability to breathe deeply and count to ten that they rock at.
When it comes to sex, single mums have got it going on – and it’s got nothing to do with gratitude.
‘Compromise’ being code for doing exactly what their male partner wants regardless of their own pleasure. After all, no one ever talks about men “compromising” during sex. This is always the woman’s job. And, what’s with the obsession with insisting single mothers are still viable fucktoys?
And, they can fuck right off with the patience and ability to count to ten horseshit. Single mothers aren’t Mary Poppins in Ultimo. In the UK, many can’t afford Ultimo since they are living in poverty whilst their ex-partner commits child abuse by refusing to financially support his children. They multi-task because they have NO choice. Multi-tasking and patience don’t exactly come with the new hormones after you push a baby out of your vagina (or after a c-section).
1. Body confidence
When you’ve pushed a human being out of your vagina, suddenly something like a 3-inch stretch mark carries less significance.
Trust me on this one, you don’t want more detail.
I’m so glad that Katy Horwood thinks all single mothers have great body confidence. I’ve never met a woman who was actually confident about their body – never mind women who are juggling work with childrearing without help. But, hey, let’s pretend single mothers don’t actually livein a white supremacist, capitalist patriarchy and are required to pass the Patriarchal Fuckability Test whilst cooking dinner (or shoving chicken nuggets and chips in the oven because they are exhausted).
We also need to be totally honest here – there is a reason the images of single mothers that accompany the article feature young, attractive white women: because even Horwood doesn’t believe fat women can have body confidence. And, we all know that Black single mothers are pretty much the scions of satan walking the earth. There is a reason the term reproductive justice was coined by Black Women and it isn’t because they were worried about looking sexy for random dudes reading the Metro. Being poor is just too tacky to mention. And, we won’t mention disabled mothers. Who wants to fuck them?
There’s nothing like Peppa Pig on loop for the last 36 months and daily conversations about the pros and cons of a roller-skating disco party to encourage gentle enquiries about the availability of beds at your local mental health hospital.
If you want your date to cry with joy for just leaving the house, date a single mum – thankful for a parking ticket if it means they can have a conversation with another adult about something other than Disneyland, can you imagine what they’re like in the sack.
Single mothers are so desperate to be fucked that they are grateful for a dude shoving their penis in them. It doesn’t matter how horrible or abusive a man is, single mothers are so desperate for sex they’ll do anything (obviously this doesn’t apply to fat women or lesbians, because they don’t count as the acceptable face of “single mothers”
3. Hot sex and lots of it
Your date gets out once a month and has a babysitter until 10.30pm.
Cinema? Art gallery? Walk along the Thames? LOL.
Single mothers: always gagging for it. You don’t even have to pretend you actually want to date them. They’ll be so desperate they’ll shag you in the backseat of a Mini in a Tescos parking lot.
4. No small talk
And if she’s lucky enough to have a free evening, not only will you get the reverse cowgirl instead of a stroll through Richmond park but you’ll also get the pleasure of some serious zeds after.
If you think you’ve mastered the art of dozing off after a shag, try three nights of unbroken sleep in the last four years.
Let the snooze off begin.
Because, really, who the fuck wants to actually talk to a single mother. You might have to learn their name or something.
If there is one thing guaranteed to make a woman stringent about birth control, it’s solo child rearing.
The only unexpected surprise she wants from you is the ability to get it up again 10 minutes after your last orgasm.
Gosh, who knew that birth control was TOTALLY the responsibility of the woman? Granted, I’m a single mother so maybe my perception is skewed but don’t men have the penis that the condom goes on? Are they no longer capable of putting one on themselves? Or, saying no to sex without a condom?
6. Wet wipes
Always in a single mum’s handbag. Handy.
Apparently, there’s now a law banning men from buying wet wipes. Who knew?
7. Biological clocks
Tick, tick, tick.
Is the scary sound you will not be hearing from your single mum girlfriend after two months of dating.
Been there, done it… now where were we, ah yes – orgasms.
Cus, it’s not like men’s fertility and the quality of their sperm doesn’t deteriorate with age. Or, men might want to have children. Or, women who don’t want to have children. Or, non-single mothers are so desperate to get pregnant they’ll fuck anyone.
8. They know what they want
When time is precious and adult interaction scarce, suddenly getting things right first time matters a lot.
Forget fumbling sex and not knowing what’s working or not – single mums spell it out.
And without the luxury of Sunday lie-ins and seven day-a-week shag options, single mums make sure it counts – and rarely get headaches.
Single mums never get headaches and women that do: well, they’re just hateful. Who gives a shit about consent when a dick is involved?
Course, if you are still having ‘fumbling sex’ over the age of 21, the problem is you. Not the women you’re dating.
9. Role play
Spending the majority of her waking life barking orders, when it comes to role play in the bedroom, single mums have it wrapped up.
You’ve been a bad boy, straight to bed with no supper!
Ya hear me.
Because women who aren’t single mothers are incapable of expressing their sexual desires. Or, something.
10. But know how to cuddle like a pro too
Just don’t ask for milk.
Because this isn’t creepy at all.
Katy Horwood is supposedly a relationships expert – one steeped in misogyny with a soupçon of racism. Just for funsies.